Is your abuser
still
in your head
running the show
even though you
are not with
them anymore?
Do you
feel sorry for them
AND rationalise it away
by MAKING EXCUSES for
their
behaviour?
T H E L E G A C Y O F H A R M
Do you
blame
yourself
for the way
they treated you?
Are you
you still
HOPING
they will
change?
S O M A N Y P E O P L E who have participated in therapy with me believe they are responsible for the for the conflict, harm and toxic patterns in their relationships. But instead, that responsibility actually lies with their partners, parents, siblings, boyfriends, husbands etc.
These women are VICTIM / SURVIVORSof harmful and dangerous relationships with harmful and dangerous people and, yet, they blame themselves for their abuse.
I H A V E S U P P O R T E D P E O P L E W H O H A V E
mental health diagnoses,
substance use issues,
historical or present suicidality & self harm;
who have been prescribed all kinds of medication,
been told it’s psychosomatic,
have chronic inexplicable illness,
have been cut off from friends and family
With a little bit of therapeutic digging into their history, somewhere along the way they have been harmed, coerced, abused physically or mentally by someone close to them.
S U R V I V O R S O F D O M E S T I C V I O L E N C E / A B U S I V E R E L A T I O N S H I P S can show up to sessions reminiscent of recently freed prisoners of war; exhausted, confused and ghosts of their former selves, yet blaming themselves for what has happened to them. Dangerous people are particularly dangerous because they use an arsenal of psychological and physical strategies to take control not only of your body, but also your mind, and potentially the minds of people around you.
D A N G E R O U S P E R S O N A L I T I E S I N F A M I L I E S
Some of us were born into toxic family systems with dangerous personalities at the helm.
As children and teens who are developing a sense of self and learning the ways of the world, we become shaped in ways of survival rather than thriving. Whilst this can be protective, it is also a vulnerability that we carry into our teen and adult relationships, playing out the same patterns with other potentially dangerous people.
We might have children with them, who then are harmed and their development arrested and shaped by them and the cycle of intergenerational trauma goes round and round until someone breaks the cycle.
A personal mission of mine is to provide therapy and psychoeducation to women about dangerous relationships. I teach women about how we get manipulated into being in these relationships, and how to get out of them, or get them out of our heads.
“ He became very possessive
They wanted to know where I was all the time, I thought ‘wow’ they really love me”
I can’t relax when he’s around
He puts me down and calls me names
He threatens to hurt the dog
She threatens suicide
He was over the top nice at first
He doesn’t care if I say no
I have to shut up or else
I feel like I am going crazy
I’m scared to make mistakes
He doesn’t like me spending time with friends and family
Boundaries? There’s no way I can have boundaries, it’s too scary!
She puts me down a lot and makes me feel very bad
I’m the problem! I’m stupid!
It’s always my fault when something goes wrong.
When he gets angry, he screams but never hits me
He hits me to teach me to be better
They tell me I am a narcissist all the time
I don’t feel heard, valued, loved, respected, cared for, wanted, attractive, special, close, safe…..
BUT THE SAY THEY LOVE ME “
What people have shared in therapy